Why Do We Want It All?

Recently, there's been a lot of debate on the Atlantic's cover story of women having it all, or rather the inability of women to have it all ( http://www.theatlantic.com/debates/women-workplace).  Reactions have ranged across the spectrum: those who approvingly nod, those who deride the backward step for feminism, those who think it's ridiculous for people to even expect to have it all.  Regardless of which view one takes, I think most people acknowledge that there's this concept of having it all.  It's just a matter of defining what "it all" means.  Some people take it to mean a great career and a great family life.  Some people will take it to mean finding happiness with what you have and acknowledging that life has a balance.  But this got me thinking: Why do we want it all?  Can we ever have it all?

I think it's a bit misguided to classify wanting it all as a problem for only the 1%.  It's easy to say that most people only care about paying their mortgage and feeding their kids, and that they don't have the illusions of having it all.  That those high-powered people complaining about not being able to spend enough time with their kids, despite having the perks of great pay with flexible hours, are just asking for too much.  Maybe to some extent it is true, that this is a problem for privileged people, who have the luxury of choice.  But I think most people want more.  From the highly-educated tenured professor who wants a power position in D.C. to the college graduate who wants to be more than a cog in the machine at a big corporation, to the single working mother who wants to do right by her children, to the children of the slums who want to escape poverty.  I don't think people ever stop wanting more.  Wanting it all.  There's always some hurdle to cross, some new challenge, something to cross off the list.  There are those who rationalize that they've done enough, that they've seen enough ... but does this rationalization mean that they have it all, or does it just mean they've accepted what they have?

Maybe this acceptance is the best we can do.  But it's what creates that nagging feeling within us that makes it seem like we are just trying to be happy because we've reached our limit.  I think when people blame wanting it all as a 1% problem, they are overlooking the power of this feeling.  They think, "The rest of us would be happy with what you elitists have, why can't you?"  But everyone wants to believe that they can achieve more than their limit.  We see the whole world now--people within our group, below our group, above our group.  Technology connects us so that we can constantly compare, whether it's through social media, international business, travel.  We see what is possible.  We don't realize that it's not possible for everyone.  We try to convince ourselves that it is, that we went to as good a university, that we're just as good looking, that we're just as capable.  It's easy to say that we shouldn't care about measuring ourselves against others, and that we should only care about what makes us happy.  But I think what makes us happy is largely tied to what we perceive is possible, and I don't know anyone who is capable of just shutting that off.  Maybe the most awesome person in the world doesn't have this problem.  But I like to believe that people like Obama and Merkel still have this nagging feeling.

I've touched on this before, but I think it has a lot to do with our need to find purpose.  To know that we matter.  To know that we have a reason for existing.  To validate our belief that we are unique, that our souls are special, that we make a difference.  We keep working, we keep expanding our circle of family and friends, we turn to religion, we pursue happiness.  We're constantly looking for something to validate us.  But ultimately, no amount of wealth or success or love can do that for us.  It may just be that we're on a self absorbed quest with no answer, and the best we can do is live with that nagging feeling.  Until someone says we are David, we are Ruth or Tommy or Kathy, we may never be able to find that peace.  That scares me a little.