This I Promise You

St recently asked me if I had a copy of the vows I wrote for my wedding.  I didn't think I had kept it anywhere, but somehow I found it in my gmail inbox.  To ew:

It took me a really long time to think about what I wanted to say in these vows.  I contemplated whether I should talk about how we met and fell in love.  Or if I should talk about all the things I love about you.  Or if I should tell you what exactly it is I am vowing to you.  But no matter what I thought about, it always came back to a single theme, and that is what love really means to me.

People love good stories.  Love at first sight.  Meant to be.  Stories you read about or see in movies.  Destiny and serendipity finding a way to bring soul mates together.  Our story has never really been like that.  We were friends, then good friends, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then best friends.  We had chemistry from the start, but I don’t think either one of us could honestly say upon first meeting that we knew we were made for each other.  But you know what?  I think those stories have it backward.  You don’t just happen to meet your soul mate, you find your soul mate.  Because I do believe we are meant to be, but not because of some unexplainable magic, but because of our love for each other, because of what love means to both of us.

It’s easy to be in love.  I think most people who marry have good intentions and that they love each other.  But you constantly hear about how people fall out of love.  And I think that’s because love isn’t easy.  Things don’t magically work out because you love each other.  I know this, because many times in our relationship I’ve tried that approach.  I will admit this to you now, but after some arguments where I thought I was right, I would intentionally close up hoping you’d magically see my viewpoint.  I’m not sure this ever worked.  You know what did work?  Open communication with each other, and a desire to see things from each other’s perspective.  Also, I’m not sure we would have made it through long distance if we just counted on love pulling us through.  It took lots of effort, from arranging visits every month, to balancing our time with each other, family, and friends, to talking through problems late into the night, even when we were exhausted from a long workday.

What I’m trying to say is that being in love doesn’t mean anything unless you act on that love.  To take the time and effort to communicate openly, to show affection, to compromise, to trust, to take chances together, to support each other, to want to pursue the other one’s happiness.  And that is how I know we are soul mates.  Because you make me want to do all of those things.  From simple things like eating healthier and proper skin care, to much more complex and difficult things like understanding and supporting a Ph.D. candidate who is also planning a wedding and interviewing for jobs.  I know that we are very different people.  You’re more nervous than me.  I’m more adventurous.  You’re more compassionate and kind.  I’m more mischievous.  But I know that we both love each other in a way that makes us always want to understand each other and pushes us to become better, more complete people.  And I know that our love and marriage will be incredible because of that.  I love you.

Do The Right Thing

For some reason, I can't seem to get the recent death of the U.S. ambassador in Libya out of my head.  Being in Singapore, this topic is not even on the radar in the news cycles.  But I felt deeply affected when I heard of the circumstances involving the anti-Muslim video, the subsequent rioting, and ultimately the tragic death of innocent people.  In fact, ew and I had a heated discussion on it where we agreed to disagree, which was probably the first time that I can remember in our relationship where we were not able to meet each other halfway.

I do not condone the violent actions of the Libyans, actions that resulted in several deaths.  But at the same time, I do not condone the actions of the anti-Muslims who produced and distributed the video, particularly since there had been prior history with these people doing sacrilegious things, like burning the Koran.  And I think a lot of the narrative that will surround these events is that it was only a video, that there is freedom of speech, and that people should not react as the Libyans did.  That narrative is correct, but I believe it is also idealistic and not reflective of how we actually interact with each other in a global world.  It reminds me of the movie Do The Right Thing, and how accurately that film portrayed race relations--nothing is really that black or white.

Full disclosure: I have not actually seen Do The Right Thing.  But for some reason (probably because of Spike Lee's most recent release of Red Hook Summer), I read the plot summary and critical analysis of the film.  In the film, long-standing racial tension between blacks and whites (and Koreans) ultimately leads to violence after a series of escalating events.  And I think this is what is missing when we talk about this Libya incident: the long standing tension that exists with Muslims and Americans.  Full disclosure again: I am not Muslim.  But let's walk through how a Muslim may process things.  First, there's been an ongoing conflict with Christians for hundreds, if not thousands of years.  Second, post-September 11, there's been a huge backlash against Muslims, particularly from the United States, with aggression into Iraq and Afghanistan.  Third, with Arab Spring, there's been a lot of instability due to a disaffected population, exacerbated by United States involvement in trying to influence these new democracies.  From this perspective, someone in the United States has created a video that is hateful to who you are as a person (a Muslim), and from your perspective (where such speech against Islam is not allowed), the release of this video in the United States is seen as an approved video.  Perhaps you didn't intend to kill anyone, but when mobs gather, things tend to get out of control.  Just look at the Rodney King riots.

Ew claims that I am being sympathetic to the Libyans.  I believe they did an inexcusable act.  I don't think just saying something allows anyone to act violently.  But I think we need to acknowledge that there is more complexity here than simply saying, "There's no place for violence in response to a silly video."  Let's go back to Do The Right Thing.  Did anyone do the right thing?  Radio Raheem plays his boombox at deafening levels and drives everyone in the pizza shop crazy.  Sal smashes his boombox to pieces, prompting him to act angrily.  The cops see an intimidating figure and attack Radio Raheem.  Small things can escalate to big things when there is that much history and tension.  Sal is correct in saying he's free to put pictures of whoever he wants on the wall.  Radio Raheem is correct in saying Sal should acknowledge that his store is mostly patronized by black people.  These are the freedoms people have and in an ideal society, it stays at this level of discourse.  But words are hurtful.  And they can incite, particularly with sensitive topics like race and religion.  At the end of Do The Right Thing, Spike Lee puts two quotes: one by MLK advocating non-violence and the other by Malcom X advocating violence "if necessary."  People need to understand that we all need to do the right thing.

There's an advice column that I'm a bit addicted to called Dear Prudie.  One of the things that Prudie is very adamant about is the fact that woman need to take precautions and protect themselves when going out and hooking up with guys.  She advocates not drinking to the point of losing control, such that women put themselves at a higher risk of rape.  A lot of people respond by claiming that just because a girl goes out and has fun, that doesn't give guys the right to rape her.  And Prudie wholeheartedly agrees.  She does not condone rape in any manner and acknowledges that the girl is still the victim.  However, she makes it clear that she does not believe the world works in such a way.  Guys don't act like that.  We can all hope that they change and every guy becomes respectful of a drunk girl, but if not, then the girl also needs to take responsibility.  That's kind of how I feel about this Libya situation.  I don't think we live in an ideal society.  I believe we should strive to MLK's ideal.  But we also have to recognize that the world doesn't always operate the way we Americans think it should (nor does the United States for that matter).  I honestly believe the United States is the most tolerant country in the world.  It is an amazing place where most people can speak freely and not worry as much about discrimination.  But we have to understand that our American ideals and principles don't necessarily translate globally.  And that requires us to take responsibility to do the right thing, to understand that there may be consequences to things we would tolerate domestically.  Like a video condemning Muslims.

This article may be better at capturing the thoughts I have tried to express: http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/09/the-contradictions-of-diplomacy/262271/